i said to myself
lying on a half deflated air mattress in a tiny square room
you never came to see where i live.
a fly circles my head i want to scream
if i had energy
the walls are green, i studied the shade today
a muted mossy mint green
i can't look at the filth anymore
i felt unhealthy earlier standing under the dim street light, forgot to eat again
the sinking feeling in my gut again,
you never read anything i write
i wish going to sleep could guarantee peace
not waking up every hour wondering what you did
what you do,
in your comfortable warm bed that i used to lay in with you
just two days ago i fucking laid there with you.
and now
i lay on the floor alone with only silence in my ears
because i found out.
i guess thats my sin, discovering what your all about
and now i'm being punished for what you did
i'm suffocating.
i realized before that it didn't matter anymore
if they found me weird, awkward, standoffish
walking away slowly down the hall
hands in my pockets
trying to convince them with a thin line of a smile
that i'm friendly, social, healthy, normal
while feeling like fucking death inside
i know the breaths will come
sometime stifled, killing me
my nostrils stuffed with earth
sometimes freely, positively, joyfully
they will alternate, the days beautiful mingled with ugly
peace with anxiety until i find my next high and let down
your the same person you were back then, only stronger
he said.
i tried to remember as i stumble to the bathroom to vomit
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